Anymore, I rarely tell people I love to read. When you tell people you love to read you associate with lots of books and that you must be a nerd. I don't want to be viewed in that way. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm a nerd and I do love a good book (currently reading World War Z), but I don't dedicate that much time to read a straight forward novel. I'm more into blogs, reading about others' lives, and magazine articles. Which gets me to all the reading I've been doing lately.
Not really doing any DEEP soul searching right now but definitely trying to figure out what I want to do with my life right now, even if it is some small steps. Been reading a lot Ensign articles. Found a few really good articles and talks, I'll post later with links since I don't remember what they were called and don't feel like digging for it at the moment.
For some reason what kind of led me to writing this blog was a blog about a wife and her struggle through a marriage with her husband's addiction to pornography and the debt he accrued. It was pretty intense and really upsetting. My Not So Perfect Mormon Marriage
Also, been reading Confessions from a Mormon Bachelor Pad. It's pretty funny and really interesting to see how some guys, even Mormons, really think. I won't lie, I've been creepin' on the creators' personal blogs a bit, too. Lol. It's nice to know that not every LDS out their is this perfect little angel. I feel more calm about finding someone to relate to eventually. And even if my boyfriend and I don't work out, I'll be less stressed about a LDS guy freaking out about my "sinful" past, and if he's not willing to accept me then obviously he's not worth my time.
Which going back to that, I need to keep that same train of thought with my current boyfriend going. If he can't accept what I want to do with my life then we probably shouldn't be together. I had the following text conversation with him last night:
Him: I miss you too. You ok baby?
Me: Ya, just contemplating a lot of stuff
Him: Like what?
Me: My future, my career, religious stuff, just lots of stuff
Him: Whats going on with the religious stuff?
Me: Just reading lots of stuff and feeling bad about things
Him: Like what?
Me: Like cursing, sex, alcohol, apathy toward church, etc
Him: Same stuff as every year then?
I hate that he said that! It's like saying, "Oh? Your mom died? It's ok, there's tissues." (I know it's not quite like this, but it'll have to do.) Just because I have tissues to help dry my tears isn't going to stop me from being hurt and upset thinking about this.
Me: Ya, if that's how you want to put it
Him: I love you! You are amazing i love you for who you are and i wouldnt have it any other way. You mean the world to me
Me: I know you do and I love you too! It's just frustrating when I'm not even happy with myself, and it's not like it's a "yearly" thing. Like I feel like this more often than that and I try to supress it. It's just really upsetting and I kind of feel torn between living how I want and how I know I should.
Him: I understand that it is difficult and i know you have a hard time trying to figure out how to live. And i know that its not easy to find a good middle ground between the two
Then about 40 minutes later he has the nerve to ask me for dirty pics. Really? I just get through telling you this and that's how act? BLAH.
I just don't know how to feel about him and how he's acting about my feelings.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Chopped Liver
I really hate this. I thought I found a community where maybe I could relate to at least one other person like me but instead I just find myself feeling ridiculed. Where I'm having issues with small things in the church and just following "commandments" others of the community were only having issues with teachings of the Gospel.
Not that I feel like their issues are not important in the least, but I feel like I'm not important, like my issues aren't important. Compared to some issues, I feel like mine could be miniscule, but I still find it an issue and a struggle to deal with every day. I was given advice from one person who advised I just do what I think is right and follow the path of the church. Ya, because if it were that easy I wouldn't be going to a community site looking for help. I'm feeling alone and want comfort. I need encouragement, and I'm not getting anything.
I'm just ready to break down and cry. There's only so much I can take on right now. I want to change, I really do, but that requires throwing away pretty much everything about me and my life right now. It's not exactly easy to think about having to completely start over. To scratch plans for yourself so that you can be something new.
I just feel so belittled right now and it's hard for me to deal with. I just want someone to understand and be there for me and to help me through this.
Not that I feel like their issues are not important in the least, but I feel like I'm not important, like my issues aren't important. Compared to some issues, I feel like mine could be miniscule, but I still find it an issue and a struggle to deal with every day. I was given advice from one person who advised I just do what I think is right and follow the path of the church. Ya, because if it were that easy I wouldn't be going to a community site looking for help. I'm feeling alone and want comfort. I need encouragement, and I'm not getting anything.
I'm just ready to break down and cry. There's only so much I can take on right now. I want to change, I really do, but that requires throwing away pretty much everything about me and my life right now. It's not exactly easy to think about having to completely start over. To scratch plans for yourself so that you can be something new.
I just feel so belittled right now and it's hard for me to deal with. I just want someone to understand and be there for me and to help me through this.
Marriage, it's what brings us here together today.
Marriage, it's almost everyone's goal in life. I mean, come on, who doesn't hope to fall in love one day and maybe settle down with that person? What happens when you throw in sins that prevent you from going to the temple, but despite that, you still hope to one day be married there in the temple?
Yup, that's where I am at right now. I'm currently in a 2 and a half year relationship with my non-member boyfriend. He's been an atheist pretty much his entire life and until recent events, hadn't even really considered the possibility of God and religion. Well, I'm in love with my boyfriend, and would love to marry him if he were LDS. I've told him for the past year that I wouldn't marry him if he wasn't LDS.
It's been my lifelong dream to me married in the temple. Even if I've made all these mistakes, I want to find a way back to the temple some day. If there was only one thing I could accomplish in my entire life, this would be it.
Well, my boyfriend said he has an interest in the church and has been "meeting" with the missionaries. By "meeting", I mean he's only had maybe two or three discussions with the missionaries in the last four or five months. He makes little effort to make plans with them. I probably should push him more, but I don't feel like it's my responsibility. Maybe this seems selfish, but it's his beliefs, not mine. Who am I to force religion on him? I really would like to marry this boy though...
To get to the temple, so that we could even me married, requires a long road of repentance for myself. If I'm going to go down this long road, I'm going to make it count. I'm going to try my damnedest to never go back again.
This is where my boyfriend sees issues. As he put it, he doesn't see how I think things are going to "magically" change and be good after we're married. He wants to be able to still drink on a regular basis as well as other issues I know are wrong. Like I stated in the previous post, he feels that you can't just change like that, it's part of who you are. Example, he's brought up the fact that I enjoy sex. He feels that I can't just stop, because of the fact that I enjoy it. Just because I enjoy it, doesn't mean I don't know that it's wrong. If I really wanted to change and took the steps to change I'm certain I could abstain from sex until marriage. Along with this, I feel that because of the way he already feels about this, that if I did change he wouldn't love me because I wouldn't be the "same person". I guess this also brings up that maybe he doesn't really love me to begin with if he's not willing to accept that I can change. It's really just a long drawn out issue and always seems to be the issue of my life.
When we first started dating I was madly in love. Later on, I started to have doubts about our relationship, especially with the fact that he was dead-set atheist, and I was set on marrying someone of my own religion. During these doubts I thought about finding LDS members that I could possibly relate to. I resorted to dating websites like eHarmony where I did actually meet a few men I was truly interested in. I never cheated, just talked with these men. I know this was terrible, but they were kind of my "back-up plan" if something happened with my boyfriend. We had some more serious issues later and broke up. We eventually worked through things and got back together. It's been four months since we've been back together and I had no thoughts of ever leaving him. I was sure this was the man I was going to marry. We've discussed it plenty of times and I told him that I wanted to be engaged soon.
Suddenly, last night I had an odd dream of cheating on him with someone I haven't had an interest in for a long time. It was unusual, and suddenly today I found myself looking at ways to connect with other YSA men. Why suddenly now? It just seems so odd to me. Maybe all the talk with my sister is getting to me. I talked with my sister about him and it seems as if I have more negative things to say about him than positive, yet whenever I'm with him things are amazing and wonderful.
This makes me feel like there's enough issues that I need to talk with my boyfriend about, but I'm honestly scared of how he'll take it and if we broke up again. I really do love him and we already went through a rough breakup before. I don't know if I could handle another.
Honestly, part of me would rather find someone who is already a member or the church and has a decent background and foundation within the church than try to struggle with someone who seems barely willing to even learn about the church. I know my mother's never opposed to me meeting someone in the church to possibly get married to... Issues for me always come back to the fact that if I found a good Mormon guy, how would I ever explain what I've done and gone through? How often do you hear of virtuous young men in the church completely accepting someone who's not virgin, let alone had sex with multiple men, or even indulged in illegal substances. Who would accept that?
Honestly, part of me looks for YSA men that are going through what I'm going through; the struggle of church and sins. At least we could relate in our experiences of life. But maybe this wouldn't be the best, because the few guys I've found like this, have little to no interest in ever coming back to church. I struggled with them just for them to fall away faster than myself.
I know this was long, but it's probably one of the biggest struggles in my life right now. It's honestly harder to deal with than it sounds like. Even after writing all of this out, I feel more torn than ever. My heart aches right now. I know what I want to do, but I don't if it's the right thing to do.
I know I don't pray often, but maybe now, more than most times, I really should just pray.
Yup, that's where I am at right now. I'm currently in a 2 and a half year relationship with my non-member boyfriend. He's been an atheist pretty much his entire life and until recent events, hadn't even really considered the possibility of God and religion. Well, I'm in love with my boyfriend, and would love to marry him if he were LDS. I've told him for the past year that I wouldn't marry him if he wasn't LDS.
It's been my lifelong dream to me married in the temple. Even if I've made all these mistakes, I want to find a way back to the temple some day. If there was only one thing I could accomplish in my entire life, this would be it.
Well, my boyfriend said he has an interest in the church and has been "meeting" with the missionaries. By "meeting", I mean he's only had maybe two or three discussions with the missionaries in the last four or five months. He makes little effort to make plans with them. I probably should push him more, but I don't feel like it's my responsibility. Maybe this seems selfish, but it's his beliefs, not mine. Who am I to force religion on him? I really would like to marry this boy though...
To get to the temple, so that we could even me married, requires a long road of repentance for myself. If I'm going to go down this long road, I'm going to make it count. I'm going to try my damnedest to never go back again.
This is where my boyfriend sees issues. As he put it, he doesn't see how I think things are going to "magically" change and be good after we're married. He wants to be able to still drink on a regular basis as well as other issues I know are wrong. Like I stated in the previous post, he feels that you can't just change like that, it's part of who you are. Example, he's brought up the fact that I enjoy sex. He feels that I can't just stop, because of the fact that I enjoy it. Just because I enjoy it, doesn't mean I don't know that it's wrong. If I really wanted to change and took the steps to change I'm certain I could abstain from sex until marriage. Along with this, I feel that because of the way he already feels about this, that if I did change he wouldn't love me because I wouldn't be the "same person". I guess this also brings up that maybe he doesn't really love me to begin with if he's not willing to accept that I can change. It's really just a long drawn out issue and always seems to be the issue of my life.
When we first started dating I was madly in love. Later on, I started to have doubts about our relationship, especially with the fact that he was dead-set atheist, and I was set on marrying someone of my own religion. During these doubts I thought about finding LDS members that I could possibly relate to. I resorted to dating websites like eHarmony where I did actually meet a few men I was truly interested in. I never cheated, just talked with these men. I know this was terrible, but they were kind of my "back-up plan" if something happened with my boyfriend. We had some more serious issues later and broke up. We eventually worked through things and got back together. It's been four months since we've been back together and I had no thoughts of ever leaving him. I was sure this was the man I was going to marry. We've discussed it plenty of times and I told him that I wanted to be engaged soon.
Suddenly, last night I had an odd dream of cheating on him with someone I haven't had an interest in for a long time. It was unusual, and suddenly today I found myself looking at ways to connect with other YSA men. Why suddenly now? It just seems so odd to me. Maybe all the talk with my sister is getting to me. I talked with my sister about him and it seems as if I have more negative things to say about him than positive, yet whenever I'm with him things are amazing and wonderful.
This makes me feel like there's enough issues that I need to talk with my boyfriend about, but I'm honestly scared of how he'll take it and if we broke up again. I really do love him and we already went through a rough breakup before. I don't know if I could handle another.
Honestly, part of me would rather find someone who is already a member or the church and has a decent background and foundation within the church than try to struggle with someone who seems barely willing to even learn about the church. I know my mother's never opposed to me meeting someone in the church to possibly get married to... Issues for me always come back to the fact that if I found a good Mormon guy, how would I ever explain what I've done and gone through? How often do you hear of virtuous young men in the church completely accepting someone who's not virgin, let alone had sex with multiple men, or even indulged in illegal substances. Who would accept that?
Honestly, part of me looks for YSA men that are going through what I'm going through; the struggle of church and sins. At least we could relate in our experiences of life. But maybe this wouldn't be the best, because the few guys I've found like this, have little to no interest in ever coming back to church. I struggled with them just for them to fall away faster than myself.
I know this was long, but it's probably one of the biggest struggles in my life right now. It's honestly harder to deal with than it sounds like. Even after writing all of this out, I feel more torn than ever. My heart aches right now. I know what I want to do, but I don't if it's the right thing to do.
I know I don't pray often, but maybe now, more than most times, I really should just pray.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Intro
So, I wouldn't exactly call myself your average Jack-Mormon. I tried looking up other "jack-mormon" blogs, but all seem to resent the church. In no way do I really resent the church. I guess you could say I've just strayed from the beaten path. I try to attend church on a regular basis, I will admit that I don't alway enjoy the monotony of sitting through three hours of church, and I still serve my calling as a Primary teacher. I believe the church, the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith, and latter day prophets all to be true. My issues lie in the choices I make.
I've done a lot of things I know are wrong, and I go through personal guilt trips for them fairly often, but still do them anyway. I drink coffee, tea, alcohol, I curse, I've smoked cigarettes and pot, I don't always dress "modestly", as well I have sex.
Even now, my gut lurches some over admitting these. They're pretty big things, and how do I go about changing? Am I really willing to change? I'm just not certain that I really want to. It's tough when part of you is fine living the way you are, but the other keeps telling you that you know it's wrong and that you need to change. It's a huge leap for me at this point.
I'm scared to talk to a bishop about it. It makes me so nervous. I've discussed it with my non-member boyfriend and I feel like he doesn't take me seriously. He acts as if I've done it all this time then there's no way I can change. He says it's just part of who I am. It makes me feel that even if I tried to change, and did, he wouldn't love me anymore because I wouldn't be the girl he knew before. Which brings me to another topic, marriage, but I'll blog about that later so this isn't all one gargantuan post. I know that people can change, I know I've changed. People can change for the better.
Really, I want to know that there are others like me. Those who either have been through what I am going through and now see the light, or those who are going through this with me. I need people to relate to. I feel that even my best friend, also a jack-mormon, doesn't completely understand me. It's just really hard.
I've done a lot of things I know are wrong, and I go through personal guilt trips for them fairly often, but still do them anyway. I drink coffee, tea, alcohol, I curse, I've smoked cigarettes and pot, I don't always dress "modestly", as well I have sex.
Even now, my gut lurches some over admitting these. They're pretty big things, and how do I go about changing? Am I really willing to change? I'm just not certain that I really want to. It's tough when part of you is fine living the way you are, but the other keeps telling you that you know it's wrong and that you need to change. It's a huge leap for me at this point.
I'm scared to talk to a bishop about it. It makes me so nervous. I've discussed it with my non-member boyfriend and I feel like he doesn't take me seriously. He acts as if I've done it all this time then there's no way I can change. He says it's just part of who I am. It makes me feel that even if I tried to change, and did, he wouldn't love me anymore because I wouldn't be the girl he knew before. Which brings me to another topic, marriage, but I'll blog about that later so this isn't all one gargantuan post. I know that people can change, I know I've changed. People can change for the better.
Really, I want to know that there are others like me. Those who either have been through what I am going through and now see the light, or those who are going through this with me. I need people to relate to. I feel that even my best friend, also a jack-mormon, doesn't completely understand me. It's just really hard.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)