Reading

Anymore, I rarely tell people I love to read. When you tell people you love to read you associate with lots of books and that you must be a nerd. I don't want to be viewed in that way. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm a nerd and I do love a good book (currently reading World War Z), but I don't dedicate that much time to read a straight forward novel. I'm more into blogs, reading about others' lives, and magazine articles. Which gets me to all the reading I've been doing lately.

Not really doing any DEEP soul searching right now but definitely trying to figure out what I want to do with my life right now, even if it is some small steps. Been reading a lot Ensign articles. Found a few really good articles and talks, I'll post later with links since I don't remember what they were called and don't feel like digging for it at the moment.
For some reason what kind of led me to writing this blog was a blog about a wife and her struggle through a marriage with her husband's addiction to pornography and the debt he accrued. It was pretty intense and really upsetting. My Not So Perfect Mormon Marriage
Also, been reading Confessions from a Mormon Bachelor Pad. It's pretty funny and really interesting to see how some guys, even Mormons, really think. I won't lie, I've been creepin' on the creators' personal blogs a bit, too. Lol. It's nice to know that not every LDS out their is this perfect little angel. I feel more calm about finding someone to relate to eventually. And even if my boyfriend and I don't work out, I'll be less stressed about a LDS guy freaking out about my "sinful" past, and if he's not willing to accept me then obviously he's not worth my time.

Which going back to that, I need to keep that same train of thought with my current boyfriend going. If he can't accept what I want to do with my life then we probably shouldn't be together. I had the following text conversation with him last night:

Him: I miss you too. You ok baby?
Me: Ya, just contemplating a lot of stuff
Him: Like what?
Me: My future, my career, religious stuff, just lots of stuff
Him: Whats going on with the religious stuff?
Me: Just reading lots of stuff and feeling bad about things
Him: Like what?
Me: Like cursing, sex, alcohol, apathy toward church, etc
Him: Same stuff as every year then?
I hate that he said that! It's like saying, "Oh? Your mom died? It's ok, there's tissues." (I know it's not quite like this, but it'll have to do.) Just because I have tissues to help dry my tears isn't going to stop me from being hurt and upset thinking about this.
Me: Ya, if that's how you want to put it
Him: I love you! You are amazing i love you for who you are and i wouldnt have it any other way. You mean the world to me
Me: I know you do and I love you too! It's just frustrating when I'm not even happy with myself, and it's not like it's a "yearly" thing. Like I feel like this more often than that and I try to supress it. It's just really upsetting and I kind of feel torn between living how I want and how I know I should.
Him: I understand that it is difficult and i know you have a hard time trying to figure out how to live. And i know that its not easy to find a good middle ground between the two

Then about 40 minutes later he has the nerve to ask me for dirty pics. Really? I just get through telling you this and that's how act? BLAH.

I just don't know how to feel about him and how he's acting about my feelings.